Struggles

I am getting easily frustrated these days and getting really tired. I want to shout “Time-out!”.

As I looked at my calendar, it is filled with activities and commitments. Some days it felt good to see I am living my life to the fullest. Some days it felt like – where is my me time?

I’ve realized I hesitate to blog due to my site is exposed to the public which include my friends. I am probably thinking – if i blog what is in my head right now, I may risk losing a couple of friendships or perhaps what i fear most was “judgement” on how I live my life.

However I realize i need to write my feelings down. Sure, i can write in my journal which i do from time to time. In a journal, is definitely private. No one is going to judge me unless they found my journal. (I may end up losing more friends haha). So why the open site like this? This caused so much dilemma right?

Main reason  – i find it faster (and easier) to type than to write.  (I can almost hear someone saying then lock your blog girl! which bring me to my 2nd reason)

Second reason – I often find inspiration and encouragement when i read people blog – especially when I read about their life – they are truthful about it and I can almost identify some of the struggles they are facing in their lives. I often thought when i jot my life down on this public site, some days (i hope) it may help one or two lost soul who needed encouragement and after reading my post will feel encouraged that they are not alone and someone had pass through the phase and realize this too shall pass.  Even though I really dislike my blog to have too many “negative” posts, I realize I am pretending to be strong even when I am not. It is very sad that even in front of our screen, we still continue to pretend. (sometimes even though i am not a full time or any popular known blogger, i can really understand why some pple decided to shut down their blog for good so that isn’t any pretence required or any unnecessary judgement)

Hence, i decided I will be honest and write my thoughts down. I am also doing my best to be tactful and perhaps some of the thoughts may come across as immature. However I realize who at some point of time isn’t immature? That’s why we grow right? And being honest is the first step to make myself better and grow to a new maturity level. (Yes i still cringed when i see some of my old blog posts. But I’ve seen the positive side too – I’ve definitely grown 🙂 )

I am struggling in many areas right now. Some are good and some not so good.

I’ve decided that these struggling are such a big “topic” to talk about and I decided i will break down into mini posts.  They are mainly

1. Motherhood
2. Ministry
3. Marriage
4. Family
5. Career

Taken from Marieforleo’s FB page

Z’s Milestone – Talking

Whenever I hear Z “talks”, I get very excited! I often wonder what are the new words he is going to surprise me and kg today.

Sometimes I do wonder if I have over imagined things – did he really say the word loud and clear? So whenever I hear something, I will get him to repeat! However he will be more intrigued by my curious and excited expression and start smiling back at me instead of uttering the word again.

In the first 12 months of his life, some of the funny and amazing moments I’ve witnessed!

• I said “Can you please be cooperative and finish your milk?” He stared at me and then “said OK”. I was stunned. Hahaha!
• He loves to chit chat with his blue soft toy aka care bear. The way he talked was as if telling his toy what he was up to and once i said, “Z go sleep and stop talking. Care bear needs a break too.” I purposely placed care bear in the sleeping position and said, “Ok, Carebear is sleeping too.. Your turn.” He waited for almost 15 mins and hit carebear and resume talking. LOL.
• Once he woke up around 6am (we were at Batam for holiday) and he was sleeping on the same bed with us. Kg decided to sing “ABC” song to entertain him. We sang at least 2 to 3 times to him. Then that was a long pause and suddenly Z  went “Q, R, S” and it was exact tune! I thought maybe it was 6 plus in the morning, I must be imagining things again. Because Kg was with me, i looked at him and said “Am i hearing the same thing as you?” Kg stared back at me with amazement and started nodding!
• One boring Sunday afternoon, I turned on the TV and we both started watching Iron Chef. I was explaining to Z the ingredients that the chef was using. I would often go into fine details to describe what the food item was which in this case it was a banana. When i finished explaining to him, he shouted very loudly “Banananananaaanananananna” Hahahaha!

When the first time Z looked at me and said “Mama” so loud and clear, I felt so bless 🙂 The same thing happen when Z started call his dad “Papa” and made him beamed with so much pride. Then it got funny when he sometimes looked at me and went “Papa” and vice versa when he was with his dad.

I thought I will jot down the list of words that little Z knew how to say and also understood them.

1. Mama
2. Papa
3. Mum Mum (food)
4. Duck (played rubber duckie during his bath time)
5. Star (tibits, twinkle twinkle little star)
6. Dog (his favourite soft toy)
7. Clock (All thanks to the song Hickory Dickory Clock)
8. Jesus
9. Nai Nai 奶奶 (His granny)
10. Gor Gor (Brother)
11. Hallo? (used when he used his toy phone)
12. Fish
13. Two
14. Three
15. Lights
16. Car
17. Cat
18. Bear
19. Keys (sounds like KISH to me now haha)
20. Ball
21. Card (when he tap on the bus with my ezlink card!)
22. 抱抱 (this is hilarious – whenever he says these words, my heart will melt hahaha)

That was one incident that happened in the middle of the night around 3am. He woke up crying and I was really exhausted because it was the 2nd or 3rd time he was crying for me. I asked him desperately, “Z, what do you want huh?” He replied loud and clear “I want milk!” I was stunned. All my tiredness disappeared! I couldn’t believe my ears. I said “You want milk?” He cried even louder and started nodding his head! Unbelievable!

I am grateful for this beautiful milestone in his life and I am really look forward to have meaningful conversations with him. 🙂 Having him to be able to talk make my life much easier (really!) and get the things he need – like food or anything. That makes 2 very happy people in the house! (I don’t want to think about the not so nice part about talking (yet) hahaha)

As i reflect this, it dawned on me that communication is very important and I should often spend time talking to my spouse and to God too. Especially with my spouse instead of hoping (secretly and desperately) that he gets my point, I should communicate my point across and prevent any misunderstanding! I am also reminded to constantly keep talking and praying to God too. Whenever I does this, it will rejuvenate me and keep me going for another day of my life!

30th Birthday

30 Years

Here are my top 10 things that I am grateful and thankful for.

1. Jesus – the anchor of my life. Knowing Him since I was 5 years old. Accepting Him at age 16. The valleys and mountains in my life, God is always there for me.
2. My mom who gave birth to me 30 yrs ago – thank You Mummy.
3. My wonderful 3 sisters – how we grown closer over the years despite all the differences!
4. My best friend aka the husband, KG always there for me and withstand my constant nagging and very imaginative mind that can drive him crazy @ times. He held back (his frustrations) and patiently smiles at me (most of the time).
5. My secondary school classmates whom I still keep in touch. Hard to keep up these days and glad that Facebook and What App kept the group connected at all times.
6. My church – my 2nd spiritual family since year 2000. My values and thoughts were largely shaped by God’s big family. I’ve forged many beautiful friendships with these amazing people who have been a blessing in my life.
7. Girls’ Brigade Ministry – I was given a 10 years service award recently. How time flies. I am grateful for the good 10 years with this ministry and now I am getting  invites to attend wedding. *gasp*
8. My business – this year will mark the 10th year. The business had sustained and weathered through the tough competition and enjoyed the good harvest times. There were many times I thought is going to be over for good, God brought me through and His hands provides more than enough for me. Through this business, God taught me contentment and humility which are the 2 most important factors in a christian marketplace.
9. The dream of a corporate social cause in my workplace is only possible when God’s takes over. As I begin to take the baby steps and started to witness God revealing his plan really excites me. The fear however set in from time to time – what if I fail and what if I messed up? The bigger the plan, the more fearful I am. My friend, C reminded me the bigger the dream and that human efforts can’t fulfill it, then only God can.
10. Having my own business grants me the privilege which all mothers will want  – that is allowing me to spend time with Zeb. I felt handicapped @ times though that I am not able to do as much in the past. I had to constantly pull myself back and remind myself that work is important but it should not be taking precedence over my child.

Looking forward to the next amazing 10 years of my life! 🙂